Day Seventeen

Breakfast: scrambled egg with mushroom and quarter of an onion
Lunch: Chicken in mayo and curry powder with some leftover raisins (6 or 7?)
Tea: lardons and fried mushrooms and steamed broccoli and caulflower in butter, with grilled cheddar on top.

Crap day today. My legs were killing me all day - a muscular hangover from four hours of paintballing and laser tag the other night. And after a week of constipation I had diarrhoea all day today. And I was really depressed about having apparently GAINED weight in the last week.

Here's how I was feeling this morning: "I've heard various claims made of the low-carb way of eating, and none of them have held true for me:
1. Aches and pains
OK, so I probably sustained some kind of back injury right at the start, but I had a lot of back pain and now I'm in agony after playing paintball at work 2 days ago. These things have explanations but I'm in a lot of discomfort and I'm not normally prone to many aches and pains.

2. Digestive system. I've heard people make claims about IBS and indigestion, but I was fine before I started this and now I'm permanently constipated.

3. Energy. I've never had a single one of these surges of energy people talk about. I've actually been knackered ever since I started. At first I put it down to staying up late revising for my exam, then having a busy weekend with workshops and a concert, then my period. Those things are all done and dusted now, but I'm STILL exhausted.

4. Weight loss. I haven't had a drop of sugar or alcohol or white carbs for nearly three weeks. I'm sticking to the regime rigidly - my only transgressions have consisted of drinking coffee, occasionally having milk in said coffee, eating the occasional tomato, eating one packet of crisps and a total of nine grapes. I've lost two pounds. I know people say I should be patient, but two pounds? Really?

Maybe this diet just doesn't work for me.

The worst thing is I have no idea where to go from here. I hate giving up, I can't give up yet. I'm going to try giving up coffee and getting even more strict about all the other aspects, but it's hard when there are no rewards.

I feel like I'm just making myself feel like @*&^!? for no good reason at all.

And to cap it all, I've never been a fan of cooked breakfasts or generally eating savoury food first thing in the morning. I like my morning food to be bland, and I've never liked raw cheese. Eggs are the closest I can get to an acceptable breakfast food, but there are an increasing number of mornings when I look at those eggs with misery, wishing I could just have a bowl of muesli like I did every morning for the last twenty years."

It's been suggested that I've actually managed to eat enough carbs in the last week to cause this to happen.

It's true that once I started listing all my little transgressions they looked slightly more than I'd thought: In the space of a week: 1 packet of plain crisps (10g of carbs according to the packet), 9 grapes, a handful of raisins, one tiny black cracker, about two splooshes of milk a day, the occasional fresh tomato, some red peppers, a small quantity of fried onions.

But really? Is that enough to make me GAIN weight?

Some people have suggested that you only have to go a little way over the amount of carbs required to put you into ketosis, and not only will you go back out of ketosis again, but it will last three days and you might start gaining weight.

I really can't make sense of that though.

I've read in various places that 100g per day is a reasonable amount if you're trying to maintain your current weight. And yet I appear to have put weight on by adding 10g or max 20g to my daily carb intake, when the rest of my diet is carb free. And yes, veg can contain carb, but a lot of that is insoluble fibre and therefore doesn't count.

But anyway... if it's true that it only takes this tiny quantity to take me out of ketosis, then how come the IPD book and various others suggest that the initial extreme induction period can then be replaced by a gentler regime, where the carbs are higher and the weight loss is slower - but you are still losing weight?

This just doesn't fit with the theory that you are either in ketosis or you are not, and if you are not then you are putting on weight.

It doesn't add up.

Not least because the occasional grape here and there brings me NOWHERE NEAR my previous carb intake, and yes I am overweight but it has taken me fifteen years to reach this size, and there have been long periods when I've stayed the same or even lost weight, and throughout that whole time I was having muesli for breakfast every day and white carbs with every other meal. And that's not even mentioning my weekly sugar intake. And beer! And crisps. Etc etc

I don't like giving up though. I gave up caffeine again today (for about the fourth time this year), and I'll stop cheating with grapes, etc (sigh). And maybe it's time I started peeing on sticks to find out just what it does take to put me into ketosis. It's really all rather tedious (sigh again). Oh well. No pain no gain. I can't give up yet.

Day Sixteen

Breakfast: Leftover mushrooms, garlic, walnuts, leftover chicken fried in butter, cream, roule
Lunch: mushroom omelette (2 eggs) + raw spinach
Tea: Ham, fried lardons, cucumber, green pepper, green cabbage, with cheddar, feta, roule grilled on the top.
2 or 3 cups of coffee with milk, 1 or 2 cups of coffee with double cream

Remember those five pounds I lost last week? I put three of them back on again.

None of my circumferences have changed at all, apart from one's 3cm wider and one's 3cm thinner (I forget which), but then it's very hard to get accurate readings - a small change in tape position can make measurements change a lot, and so can a tighter squeeze.

Dispirited, but there you go. Actually I ache all over after four hours of paintballing and laser tag with work yesterday. I don't like paintball! Those bullets HURT.

I'm going to try again at giving up coffee tomorrow.

Day Fifteen

Breakfast: mushroom omelette (2 eggs) + raw spinach
Lunch: minced beef fried in onions and mushrooms and red pepper and one tomato, plus tinned toms, + steamed broccoli & spinach
Snack: packet of plain crisps (eek! 10g of carbs according to the packet) (I was at a works outing: paintball and laser tag - and forgot my carefully-prepared tea, and couldn't face removing the topping from the pizza my employers had provided)
Tea: Mushrooms, garlic, walnuts, leftover chicken fried in butter, cream, roule... + cauli steamed in butter
Snack: handful of roasted salted macadamias
2 or 3 cups of coffee with milk, 1 or 2 cups of coffee with double cream

Day Fourteen

Breakfast: 2 poached eggs + broccoli
Lunch: chicken, mayo, curry powder, handful of raisins
Snack: 5 salted roasted macadamia nuts
Tea: steamed red cabbage, minced beef fried in onions and mushrooms and red pepper and one tomato, plus tinned toms, with grilled cheddar on top
2 or 3 cups of coffee with milk, 1 or 2 cups of coffee with double cream

I have to say though, I'm getting bored already. The worst parts are having to cook and generally be compos mentis first thing in the morning and make sensible food decisions (for both breakfast and lunch cos I can't afford to buy lunch in shops), and then do food preparation, instead of preparing muesli on automatic pilot. I haven't yet found a suitable breakfast for eating on autopilot every day and not having to think about it. Worst thing was having my parents to stay this weekend and people trying to TALK to me while I was cooking my breakfast. I hate people talking to me first thing in t' morning but I DOUBLY hate people talking to me while I cook. I just burn stuff. Cooking requires my 100% concentration. No distractions.

Apparently at some point I can start eating porridge. I'm looking forward to that.

Feels like I've been doing this forever, and I've only been doing it proper-like for a fortnight. Am not at all convinced I can keep up the sensibleness for the REST OF MY LIFE. I want to eat cake in cafes. [sulk]

Still, at least I've continued to be good. Apart from 4 grapes one day and 5 grapes a few days later. SHOCKING BEHAVIOUR. ;)

Think I'm just having a bit of a whinge cos of time of month. And my back hurts again. And I'm EXHAUSTED after mad swotting followed by mad-busy Easter weekend.

Day Thirteen

Breakfast: bacon, 2 fried eggs, buttered spinach, fried tomato
Lunch: cucumber, celery, red pepper, tomato with cheddar, roquefort and roule grilled on top
Snack: mushrooms fried in butter and cream
Tea: roast chicken, gravy, broccoli, green beans
2 or 3 cups of coffee with milk, 1 or 2 cups of coffee with double cream

Store Your Breasts

A hilarious extract which my mother just read out to me from the Idiot Proof Diet book (p99):

"If you have breasts larger than a 34C, put them in a bin bag. You don't have to throw them away: just store them for the time being. On the other hand, if you're confident with a pair of scissors..."

Day Twelve

Breakfast: 2 poached eggs, lettuce, broccoli, celery
Lunch: mushroom omelette
Snack: 5 grapes in double cream
Tea: salami, prosciutto, branston pickle, one teeny cracker, olives, blue cheese, yellow cheese: stumbled across a little bar in the northern quarter while looking for somewhere to eat with parents after gospel concert: The only dishes on offer were toasties or "a plate of cheese" or "a plate of meat", LOL!
3 or 4 cups of coffee with double cream